Choice & Possibility

If I had to say I had a mantra this week, it would be "choice" and "possibility". Earlier in the week, I came to the stunning realization that I COULD quit my job tomorrow  if I wanted to, but I CHOOSE to go in everyday.  I'm not trapped, I'm not stuck, I go there because I have decided to go there.   I can't tell you how that little distinction really changed my perspective and made work so much more enjoyable.  Suddenly, everything looks different.  A bunch of my classmates are heading down to L.A. in a few weeks.  At first I felt depressed because I "couldn't" go because I have a job/not enough money/nowhere to stay, ect.  But by understanding that those are only excuses and by simply by rephrasing it to I choose not to go makes me feel so much better.

Because there is a reason I took on a full-time job when I did. I have certain goals that I want to accomplish. I want to get out of debt and, right now, that is the most important thing for me. Being in debt and homeless stresses me out. When I'm stressed out, I'm not working well as an artist, so I took a job (or two) in order to remove that stressful barrier from my life, get out of debt and save up money so I can afford the initial fees for a Fringe tour next year.

A friend mentioned to me how lucky I was to be going to New York. I told her luck had nothing to do with it. I chose to go.

And because I am making choices for myself suddenly everything feels possible.

Growing up as a chubby kid, I never would have imagined that I could be an athlete. And yet here I am today, in probably the best shape of my life doing things like swinging myself up onto a circus trapeze for the very first time.  It wasn't beautiful, it wasn't graceful (and I've always wondered who was the idiot that decided 'Nancy' means 'the graceful one'), but I did it on my own.  Let me tell you there is bigger rush (rush of blood to the head?) than realizing your abs actually work as you hang upside down and flip yourself up to grab the bar.  In that one little moment, I felt like a superhero and everything seemed possible.

I choose. It is possible.

I choose. It is possible.

I choose. It is possible.

Derby and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

I did it. I joined a Roller Derby team. Well, I didn't join a particular team, I joined their rookie training program (or "Fresh Meat" if you're cool). Today was the first day of practice. I showed up, put on my skates and gear and set out for a lap around the track.

And there it was. The rush of air brushing lightly against my jawline, teasing around my neck and trickling down my back like a familiar caress from a long forgotten lover... The breeze gives me wings that open up and envelop me. There's a feeling of pure bliss that makes you wonder how you haven't been doing this your entire life.

The only other time I've felt like that? When I learned to drive a motorcycle for the first time.

Other than the amazing rush factor, Roller Derby and Motorcycle Riding have a lot in common. For instance, in both cases you need to keep your head in the direction you are going - this facilitates turns. In other words, don't look down. Or as one of my lovely trainers explained this past weekend: "The ground is still going to be there, you don't need to check. Ok, maybe check before you take off, just to be sure, but trust me, you don't need to check."

Both also require a certain amount of balance and intimate knowledge of your centre of gravity - two things I never knew I had. I remember when I took my first riding lesson, the instructor asked if I was an athlete of some sort. Not at all, was my reply. It just seemed to her that I knew how to really "sit" on the machine. If I remember correctly, she said I had a certain amount of grace in it.

Grace? Me? I guess.

The thing is, when I first put on a pair of roller skates, people said pretty much the same thing. In fact, they couldn't believe it was the first time I had tried them on. It all just came so easy to me.

Now, that's not to say that I got on a bike or put on some skates and I was all super L33T pwn at it (or for my non-n00b friends - I wasn't a all super professional). I failed my motorcycle driving test on the first try and my ass has seen a decent amount of cement, though I was quite happy that did not happen this time around. But I know that in both cases, with regular practice, these are two things that I could be really really good at.

Let the good times roll.

The Problems You Want

Is there a term for that? A "good" problem? I'm curious. My year is off to a very good start. I've got work lined up for January/February with Evolution Theatre's Little Martyrs and it has been confirmed to me today that tickets are now on sale through the Arts Court Box Office - 613-564-7240 (Details about the show can be found under my Upcoming Appearance tab.)

I've also been requested for two general auditions in Toronto. After years of sending in packages without answer, I'm thrilled! (Though I'm quite sure this is partly due to my Equity status and partly to my use of a Toronto mailing address.) Since rehearsals for me don't really begin until this Saturday, I can attend one of them no problem. The other? Is at the same time as rehearsal next week. Did I mention that rehearsals are in Ottawa?

As actor's these are the kinds of problems we want: being too busy working at our craft to do more, no matter how much more we want to do.

Still, it sucks. This is not for work during the run of the show, this is for work this summer, so it's unfortunate that I can't even give it a shot. In these situations, all you can really do is shrug it off and keep going. This one was just not meant to be.

Hello God, It's Me, Nancy

I've been ignoring you, dear blog.  I recently realized that when things are not going super well, I avoid talking about it here, because frankly, who likes a whiner?  Nothing's been really wrong.  In fact, lots of great things have been going on.  I saw some absolutely incredible theatre in Toronto  - The Silicone Diaries at Buddies in Bad Times and Studies in Motion at CanStage, in collaboration with Vancouver's Electric Company.  For both show, I managed to catch a post-show talkback, which I always find incredibly illuminating.  In the case for Diaries, I was moved to tears.  Seriously, I tried to congratulate the performer of this one-person show on my way out and all that came out was a bunch of garbled "so great/thank you *sniffle* *choke* kthxbai!" And then, my little theatre company - Evolution Theatre - (maybe you've heard of them?) - turned five FIVE years old. Can you believe it?  I have trouble keeping a relationship going for that long and yet, somehow, my little partnership with the Bedberts has outlasted them all.  I believe that Christopher & Linda Bedford and I have known each other for almost ten years now.  Just incredible.  We celebrated with cake and a special reading of the first show ever produced by the company, Dario Fo's We Won't Pay! We Won't Pay!

But wait! There's more!

At the birthday party, we had a few announcements.  First up, Evolution Theatre was named one of three resident companies of the Ottawa Arts Court Foundation.  This means that starting in September of 2011, we now have a permanent performance home until 2013 and we will be producing two shows a year in the Arts Court spaces.

And if that wasn't enough, we also announced our 2010/2011 season.

Up first is an original translation of Dominick Parenteau-Lebeuf's La petite scrape. It was translated by local Evolution collaborator, Mishka Lavigne, with the assistance of Canadian dramaturgy heavyweight Maureen Labonté.  This is a show that has been in the works since 2008 and we are thrilled to be bringing it to the Arts Court Studio from February 9 to 19, 2011.

The production, now titled Little Martyrs, will be directed by Christopher Bedford and features the amazing local talents of Jody Haucke, Brad Long, Margo MacDonald, Matt Miwa, and, you know, yours truly.  Rehearsals have just recently started and I am incredibly excited to be a part of this project.  More details will be up on my blog and the company website soon.

The second show is an original script by local playwright Lawrence Aronovitch and is entitled The Lavender Railroad.  It will be directed by l'incroyable Joël Beddows (whose Swimming in the Shallows was probably one of my favorite productions in Ottawa this year).  As both Lawrence and Joël were out of town for the party, we received a message from our former Professor Beddows which I would like to share with you, as I got a little misty-eyed when I first read it:

I was a young professor when I first met this trio.  They were all opinionated, argumentative and ambitious.  Our rapport was not always harmonious: this often happens among people too similar to one another. They seemed determined to question any and all statements I made. History would state that they were correct to do so.

They graduated and started making theatre.

I was intrigued; then I was impressed; suddenly, I could not “not” see their work.

For awhile, I was proud; then I was fascinated; today, I am trying to keep up!

Working with Evolution Theatre this coming season represents many things to me; first and foremost, the opportunity to work with a creative team that has and will continue to make a mark on practice in Ottawa and someday soon, beyond.

Joël Beddows

Wow. Details are still being finalized for this production, I'll let you know additional information as it comes up.

I've also had two great auditions in Ottawa and Montreal during this time, but even after all that, I still felt... sad. Though I miss my friends and my routines, I keep trying to remind myself that there is a reason I'm doing all of this; there's a reason I'm working so hard.  Because I have a dream.  And fuck it! I'm going to see it through.

Now back to our regularly blogging schedule.

Ego

Yesterday was my last acting class of the month.  I did good work in that class.  But when the scene was over and I was asked by the instructor how it went, my ego took over.  The ego can go one of two ways: it can pump you up to irrational heights or, as in my case, it can beat you down to new lows. The ego tries to keep us safe.  In my case, by telling me I am a shitty actor, it's trying to make it easier on me to get a "regular job" and move back home.  You know, because if I'm not any good at this, then OF COURSE I should give it up.

So what do you do in this situation when that little voice inside your head just wants you to run away?

You do the opposite.  You do the thing that's scarier.  In my case, stand my ground.  Never give up, never surrender.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bI5hi4c4y9k]

Stamina

I'm exhausted.  I had a particularly difficult acting class tonight.  In the scene, I confront the woman I suspect is having an affair with my fiancé who just postponed the wedding earlier that night.  It was emotional and physically draining and at the end of it all I felt like had climbed a mountain or run a particularly gruelling race.  And it made me realize how much I've neglected my workout routine. Basically, I didn't have the stamina and my body was collapsing on me.

With all the travelling, the move, the weird hours and overnight shoots, I haven't been very good to myself.  A lack of physical activity, bad eating habits, and inadequate hydration have lead to one sluggish Nancy.  It's hard to get into a routine when your life revolves around uncertainty, but as actors, we really need to take proper care of our instrument. It's not like a guitar or a paintbrush where if one breaks you could always get a new one.

So, I need to go to sleep now.  Plenty of rest and water so I can get up at a decent hour.  There's lots of work to be done.

It's Been A Week...

One official week of residency in the Big Smoke and I am sick.  Literally.  I arrived last Monday and was the proud recipient of a four or five day cold and a massive allergic reaction (to what, I do not know - though my hypothesis thinks it may have had something to do with the election results) that presented itself in the form of a rash over most of my body.  I've spent the last four days recuperating and trying to get somewhat active again after hiding out in the apartment. To be fair, though, it hasn't been all bad.

After a late evening on set Sunday night, I got back to my temporary residence in Ottawa to pack.  I had to be up at 3:30 a.m. to catch a bus at 4:30 to reach a train that would be leaving at 5:45.  Why so early?  Because I had a commercial audition waiting for me in Toronto that morning.

Exciting, I know! And of course, I barely slept for fear of missing out on my alarm.  And though I dozed on the train, I also did some work, because, you know, that's what I do.  I picked up a publicist gig for 'I' - a show that will be up at The Gladstone in Ottawa as of November 18th - and so I was busy with that.  (I'm pretty excited about this piece and the people involved.  More on that in another blog post, but here's a link to the main website to tide you over.)

The audition went well and, after a quick shower, I headed to my creative coaching workshop with Barbara Deutsch. I've talked about her here before.  I always feel amazing when I leave her workshop; inspired and ready to work.  But this time, things with me felt different.

You know, I have a tendency to do too much. (A collective "no shit" is suddenly heard across the horizon.)  So, it was decided that I should just relax, maybe pick up a hobby instead of working all the time.  It would be easy in Toronto since I don't know as many people or know where/when things are happening (yet).  I'm doing everything right when it comes to my acting career, but all this pushing I keep doing to move forward really isn't helping.  It's like paddling against the current.  A draining and pointless labour.

Not only did I realized I had to stop, but I got sick enough that I was forced to do so.

And it's been haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard!

I don't like this feeling.  Not doing anything makes me feel... useless. I so intrinsically identify myself with what I am "doing" that I have no idea who I am when I'm not. Needless to say, I got bored.  Then I got depressed.  Is this what workaholism is all about?  I guess so.  I'm like an addict going through some sort of detox and craving a fix.  I worked on a press release, sent out some emails, updated my marketing resume and applied for a job today just so I didn't feel like a waste of space.  How fucked is that?

The sickness is slowly going away now.  I know it's all related with my move.  Change and the unknown magnifying my own fears.  No matter how great the place I'm living in currently is (and trust me, it's super sweet and safe and comforting), I miss my home, my cat, my old life.  But I want more.  And growing pains will come with that.  I just need to breathe through the panic and stay the course.

Ch-ch-ch-changes (Part Deux)

The last time I had a major change in my life was almost two years ago when I left full-time employment for the life of an artist. (You can read more on that here) This past week, I finally took the plunge: rented out my condo, packed up my stuff, relocated my cat and headed out to the Big Smoke.  And you know what?  It was fucking hard.  As much as I wish I could be noble and say how much I enjoy riding the wave of uncertainty (and don't get me wrong, a part of me does), I hate change.  With all the insecurity that comes with this chosen profession, I liked knowing that certain things were mine and I could come home to them.  Now, I don't have any of that.  Heck, I don't even have the certainty of living out of my suitcase either because it broke on me.

Since I own a one-bedroom condo and was leaving it furnished and equipped for the person coming in, I thought packing would be a breeze and didn't ask for any help.  This was a big mistake.  I was already incredibly emotional about the whole process and it turns out I've got way more stuff than I thought I did.  I mean, let's be honest.  I didn't ask for help, or turned some of it down because moving is an absolute pain in the ass.  How many times have you had a friend ask you to help them move and you conveniently found yourself busy that day?  I know I have.  But when I found myself up to my ears in boxes, crying over spilt cat food, all I really wanted was a friend with a clearer head to help me through this.

Then there was the issue with Winston.  By moving day, I still hadn't found a suitable, temporary abode for him.  Fortunately, I was saved at the 11th hour, but you can probably imagine the kind of stress I was under.

Until the end of November, at least, I'm going to be a vagabond of no real fixed address.  Though I'm hoping that most of that time will be spent in Toronto, who really knows?  After one week down there, I now find myself back in Ottawa for the next two... every time I think I'm out, someone pulls me back in.

Do I sound bitter?  Because I'm not.  I'm very lucky.  I've got great friends with comfortable beds for me to sleep in, Winston seems to be adjusting well to his new surroundings and I enjoy reading up on his adventures,  I've managed to technically finish a first draft of my Roller Derby script, I've got agents working for me, and I've got new headshots thanks to the fabulous Andrew Alexander.

Would you like to help me out in the support of my dreams? I'm not going to be afraid to ask anymore. Money is, of course, the biggest obstacle. Every little bit helps these days. I like eating, so if someone would like to take me out for a meal, I wouldn't say no. I can promise interesting conversation and insight into a crazy business.

I am also looking for sponsors/donors to help me finish my Roller Derby piece. I'll be writing a longer blog post about that very soon, but if you are interested please send me an email to nancyjkenny at yahoo dot com for more details.

What's My Name Again?

I hate labels. The literal ones are often itchy and pop out inappropriately (kudos to the person who created washing instructions printed on the inside of the garment).  The figurative ones just make life so restricting.

I've never been good at using labels because as much as I like to think I love the safety and security of the box (especially when it comes with cushy pillows and pie... mmm pie), the truth is I just don't completely fit into one.

Take relationships: There's friends and acquaintances and various family members. Fine. But then, are we dating? Friends with benefits? Boyfriend/girlfriend? Lovers? Partners? Married? What do those things even mean anymore? Are you gay or straight? Do you fall somewhere in the middle?  What the heck do you call that? Can't we just love each other?

Why do I have to call it anything?

Take jobs: I'm an actor, marketer, writer, event planner, producer, grant writer, translator, fundraiser and a million other things all rolled into one.  Try to fit all that onto a business card.  (Though the versatile Susan Murphy once told me she uses the all-encompassing term of "wizard" which I think is absolutely brilliant even though I don't feel it applies to me.)

Even those can be broken down some more.  Marketing includes media relations, communications, promotions & publicity, social media... I've even gotten the question: "What kind of actor are you?" - Film or theatre? Comedy or drama? And for cryin' out loud even those can get more precise: Shakespeare & classical work, physical theatre, mask, clown & dance... where does stilt walking fit in to all that?

These days, it's where do you live now?  Ottawa or Toronto?

Do I have to answer that question? Well, no, I guess I don't have to, but the issue lies more in, again, I don't know how to. Why do I have to live in one place? Can't these cities be like divorced parents and I get to spend every second weekend and most holidays with one or the other?

It's a faulty metaphor, but I'm sure you get the idea.

Can't I just get a whackload of cash in order to have the ability to keep and travel between these two locations?  Yes, that would be the ideal.

Dear Universe, let's get on that, shall we?

Peace, love and gratitude.

..........................................

Oh and if someone has a legitimate answer to the business card question, I am all ears!

Checking It Twice

It could have been a disaster.

My first gig in Toronto - voice over work - simple, little prep, only needed for two hours, maybe less  - 1:30 to 3:30 - easy!

It's almost 12:30 and I get a phone call from my agent.  I think it still has to do with the contract negotiations. It's doesn't.

"Are you ok? Where are you? Are you at the studio?"

No, of course not, I'm just leaving now.

It seems my recording time was from 11:30 to 1:30...  I curse.  A lot.  Then I apologize.  A lot.  I get a call on the other line.  It's the studio.

"So, how much time do you need to get here?"

I run into the kitchen where my current roommate is peeling potatoes.

CAN YOU DRIVE ME DOWNTOWN?

The potatoes become an afterthought as he grabs his keys.

I'll be there in about 30 minutes!

*************************************************

I get there.  It's all good.  There were two girls to see ahead of me so no harm no foul.  I'm reassured profusely that it's alright.

The recording goes incredibly well.  I'm thrilled.

But this situation?  Will not happen again!

Big City Vibe

The vibe for me in Toronto is so different than anything I have ever experienced.  I'm not talking about the city (which personally I find dirty & closed off), but what being in this city has done for me as an artist. I'm here taking classes with a wonderful teacher named Michèle Lonsdale Smith. She is primarily based in Vancouver, but she's been all over the place. I've studied with her, on and very much off, for the past four years whenever she came to Ottawa.

You see I've discovered a bad habit of mine. I take lots of classes, as many as I can afford, in a variety of theatrical practices. My preference is for weekend workshops. A little dabble here, a little dabble there... Are you beginning to see the problem?

I like to dip my toe in the water, I like to scratch the surface and be done with it. It's like going to the gym one day and not going back for six months (which reminds me...). How do you expect to get fit that way?

Acting is like that. It's a muscle, like any other, and if you don't use it, you will lose it.

After taking her weekend workshop (ahem!) in Ottawa this past August and with no projects on the horizon, it was with trepidation I applied to 3 week intensive in TO.  And I could not be happier.

My time in Toronto is completely dedicated to going to acting class, auditing acting class, and going to auditions.  I feel, for the first time in my life, like I am an artist.

Living the Dream

Am I truly awake?  Did last week really happen?  I've got the receipts and ticket stubs to prove it, so I guess it did. I took a big leap and went down to Toronto for the week.  As previously mentioned, I had done some advanced prep work and went down feeling confident and apprehensive all at the same time.

Things were off to a good start when I arrived.  I had an Ottawa friend who was auditioning for the Stratford Conservatory and we met for lunch.  We followed that up my a trip to TheatreBooks and the World Biggest Bookstore.

Here's a little bit of info about me.  I don't just love books, I adore them.  The treasure trove of information found in each and every one, waiting to be unlocked and discovered;  the personalities hidden within the words;  the stories waiting to take me away to places unknown...  It's all incredibly sexy and addictive.  I'll go throw genre phases - these days it's books on marketing, new media, and spirituality (or marketing your spirituality through new media) - though there is always room on my book shelf for plays, plays and books about plays. There's just something about the written page between my fingers that just makes me so very happy.  And I'm good to my books (I never bend corners or write in them), so I rarely get any paper cuts.  I'm starting to run out of room though.  Guess I'll just have to get more bookshelves.

I got to see a few shows while I was in town too.  First up, there was a wonderful adaptation of Miss Julie by Canstage.  This play really made me realize that for an audience to understand the themes in the original piece, it does have to be updated.  In this case, we're in 1964 Mississippi aka Freedom Summer two days after Lyndon Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act.  I can't even find the words to tell you how much sense this adaptation makes (granted there are a few groaner moments, but these were Strindberg's fault - I mean come on, a bird in a cage?  Gee, I wonder what that refers to?).  There's also incredibly strong chemistry between the main actors and the esthetics for the show are just wonderful.  I really appreciated the Marilyn/Jackie O dichotomy you see in Julie (unfortunately, she'll never be a Jackie), but that might just be because I've been watching too much Mad Men lately.  Anything from that time period just tickles me pink these days.

Next, I saw a musical without knowing that's what I was going to see.  A friend invited me to see A New Brain by Acting Up Stage with him and it was a refreshing surprise.  Thanks to my dabbling in stage management with the fine folks at Zucchini Grotto, it turns out I already knew a few of the songs in the show.  It also made me realize that I prefer the smallish, independent musicals to the big budget ones.  Though I'm in no way an expert, I'll take Evil Dead: The Musical over We Will Rock You or The Phantom of the Opera.  That said, and I'm sorry to say this to all the purists out there, I really did like Mamma Mia!.  Shut up!  ABBA gets a free pass from me.

Anyway, its a good thing I like the little new musicals, since I then went out to Sheridan College to see a friend in, yup, another musical.  It's called Big Time Operator and it's a new show set to the music of the Big Bad Voodoo Daddies.  I'm a huge swing fan, so this was a bit of a treat.  Though this was as cheesy as musicals get ("bad" guy finds out he has a son, meets a "good" girl, falls in love in like 5 minutes and decides to change his whole life around if he can just stay out of jail, happy endings all around - It's like Grease meets... something else and swing music - Sorry, I really don't know my musicals), it was a lot of fun.  I was actually really impressed with the choreography, though the prop "drinks" could have been anything else than what they had.  I didn't realize so many speakeasies served daquiris.

To top that off, I had a great meeting with a Toronto agent that I need to follow up with and a fantastic reference from some former teachers, which led to an audition prior to my departure.

I also somehow managed to work out everyday for five days, which is some kind of record for me, and the long train rides gave me plenty of time to write and, of course, read.

And now I'm back in Ottawa, finishing up some grant applications and organizing a fundraising event before jetting off again.  This time, I'll be off to Kitchener to see a staged reading of a show I wrote and after that, well, I'm not sure.  Will I be popping by Toronto to meet with that agency again or to shoot an industrial video?  Or will I be heading back to Ottawa to study clown with the craziest bunch of Fools I know?  Only time will tell, but until then I'm just enjoying the sweet, scary embrace of the unknown.