If I had to say I had a mantra this week, it would be "choice" and "possibility". Earlier in the week, I came to the stunning realization that I COULD quit my job tomorrow if I wanted to, but I CHOOSE to go in everyday. I'm not trapped, I'm not stuck, I go there because I have decided to go there. I can't tell you how that little distinction really changed my perspective and made work so much more enjoyable. Suddenly, everything looks different. A bunch of my classmates are heading down to L.A. in a few weeks. At first I felt depressed because I "couldn't" go because I have a job/not enough money/nowhere to stay, ect. But by understanding that those are only excuses and by simply by rephrasing it to I choose not to go makes me feel so much better.

Because there is a reason I took on a full-time job when I did. I have certain goals that I want to accomplish. I want to get out of debt and, right now, that is the most important thing for me. Being in debt and homeless stresses me out. When I'm stressed out, I'm not working well as an artist, so I took a job (or two) in order to remove that stressful barrier from my life, get out of debt and save up money so I can afford the initial fees for a Fringe tour next year.

A friend mentioned to me how lucky I was to be going to New York. I told her luck had nothing to do with it. I chose to go.

And because I am making choices for myself suddenly everything feels possible.

Growing up as a chubby kid, I never would have imagined that I could be an athlete. And yet here I am today, in probably the best shape of my life doing things like swinging myself up onto a circus trapeze for the very first time. It wasn't beautiful, it wasn't graceful (and I've always wondered who was the idiot that decided 'Nancy' means 'the graceful one'), but I did it on my own. Let me tell you there is bigger rush (rush of blood to the head?) than realizing your abs actually work as you hang upside down and flip yourself up to grab the bar. In that one little moment, I felt like a superhero and everything seemed possible.

I choose. It is possible.

A few months ago, a friend of mine told me about these Vaudeville classes she was taking at "Circus School" - Centre of Gravity in Toronto. My curiosity was piqued. I've done clown work and stilt walking in the past, and I definitely want the roller skating I do in Roller Derby Saved my Soul to be very circus-like. I checked out the website and found something that was perfect for me: Circus Conditioning and Flexibility Class. Now, to be fair, my brain, the first time, totally read that as "Core" Conditioning and Flexibility Class (in fact, I didn't realize until right now when I looked it up for this blog that it was called something else) and I jumped at the chance to get more ab work since I totally need it to get steadier on skates. The roommate and I signed up. Turns out my roommate is a former gymnast (is there anything she can't do?) and she also wanted to get back into shape.

The class itself is really cool and the instructor is *sigh* very good. We started out with some stretching, then some tumbling (where I swear the Mission Impossible theme was playing in my head the entire time), tried to balance some objects on our chins, got my first introduction to juggling, and then did a circuit that included balancing yourself on top of a ball as well climbing up silks and a low-hanging trapeze.

It was hard and I'm definitely feeling it today, but I'm proud that the roommate and I were able to keep up. Not to mention some activities were a lot easier than I thought they would be like standing up tall on a big round ball.

This one made sense to me. It's all core work and I've got a lot of experience there thanks to yoga and roller skating. No, the one that did surprise me was the fact that I can juggle. How that happened I really don't know, but it felt the exact same way it did the first time I put on roller skates. Not easy, but with definite ease. Next up, juggling on roller skates?

Someday...

Choice & Possibility

Running Away to Join the Circus