The Struggling Artist

I've never really loved the term struggling artist because honestly, does the artist really have to be struggling? But currently, I find my situation to be just that. As I just previously mentioned, I have not gotten work since last November. Incidentally, that was also voluntary work, so in all honesty, I have not gotten paid work since last October. I've been getting by on savings and the help of a certain government program, but those savings have now dried up and my ability to use this government program ends in August. While looking for work I've had many marvelous opportunities to develop and grow as an artist. Growth that I do not think would have been possible had I been working full-time. I am grateful for the time that has been allocated to me. I've written three plays, one of which I am producing myself for the Ottawa and Winnipeg Fringe Festivals, taken a multitude of workshops, traveled all over the province, and met some amazing new people. But now? I'm scared. I'm really f'n scared. For a little while today, I thought I wouldn't be able to breathe anymore. It felt like someone dropped a rock on my chest and added three sumo wrestlers on top for good measure.

The thoughts that keep running through my mind all involve desk jobs, condo sales, and community theatre... not exactly where I thought I would be.

I'm not looking for sympathy or answers right now. I know that the answers can't come from anyone but me. Still, I wish my mind would stop racing long enough for me to figure it out.

All of this has happened before...

For the second time, I am producing a show I have written for the Ottawa Fringe Festival. For the second time, I'm having trouble putting together my creative team. The people I would really like to work with are unavailable, which means I have to take a chance on someone new. And that scares me like you would not believe. I've mentioned before that this art form is a collaborative effort that is so much bigger than myself and I still believe that. I do. Honestly. However, I'm investing a lot of money, time, and, yes, even a little part of my soul into this endeavor. I'm already taking a big risk. Now I have to take it a step further by trusting someone who's work may not be familiar to me... I'm having trouble letting go.

Breathe

This happens all the time after all. Who is ever truly "in control" when it comes to creating theatre? I just have to keep doing the best that I can with what I have and trust my instincts will help me select the best people for the task at hand.

I want people to trust me. I guess it's time I started trusting them.

Clowning Towards the Truth

Just recently I completed a workshop in Clown and, a little while before that, I did one on Physical Theatre. Both these workshops get you to perform behind some sort of mask (an actual mask in physical theatre and a clown nose for, well, clown). However, what I learned very quickly is that you can't hide behind the mask. It sounds weird, I know, but there is was. With your face covered, your entire body becomes your only true method of communication to your audience. If you try and hide anything you might actually be feeling, they will know it, they will be bored, and, in my case this past week, a crazy man with a tambourine will gong you offstage. And this is when I realized how physical theatre, clown work and all their derivatives will help me be a better actor. It's all about revealing yourself and your truth. It's about being connected to your body, your instrument, and how grounded you are in the moment. It's about giving a compelling performance that moves people and ensures they never feel like looking away. Now, I don't consider myself a "physical" actor by any means (though with more practice, who knows?), but if I can bring all of that to my "strait" performances, I think I've got the beginnings of something great.

Nothing but Fear Itself

I would like to say that my mom and I are close.  However, for as long as I can remember wanting to be an actor, I have desperately wanted her full-fledged support in my unconventional career choice.  Though she 's always encouraged me to do something that made me happy, every conversation about day jobs would inevitably turn to talks of "Maybe you'll actually like doing that instead." I know it's a parent wanting peace of mind and security for her children, but I have to admit that I have avoided taking many career risks because in the back of my mind I've always worried about what she would think/react/say.  That's my own fault for not being strong enough to take a stand and do it anyway.  I've learned that lesson now and have started making the hard decisions.

But suddenly, something's changed.  It was so subtle at first, I'm not even sure when it started.  Maybe it was when my mom came from New Brunswick to see my first professional theatre gig at The Gladstone.  Or maybe it was when I decided to head out to Toronto.  Or maybe when I approached her for donations for my theatre company, informing her that we gained charitable status and showing her all the good press we've been receiving.

Or maybe, she just realized that after 10 years this isn't just a hobby that's going to go away.

Whatever the case may be, my mom has loosened up tremendously, which I'm also sure has a lot to do with my grandma's passing.   When I told her I felt the need to go back and study my craft in a more intensive environment, I had all the reasons why she might say no in my head.  What she said instead surprised me: "Well of course you do.  You're competing at a much higher level now."

Um, hi?  Who are you and what have you done with my mommy?

So all of a sudden, I'm bringing up the excuses as to why she should say no.  Because there is no way this Dream Mommy can be real, right?

Me - Well, I guess I would have to sublet the condo if I went back to school.

DM - Oh that would be great!  No payments for a few months.

Me - But how would I handle paying the bills?  I don't want to disconnect the internet.

DM - Trust me.  The bills will find you and if you're not making mortgage payments, you'll be able to cover them.

Me - Well, I guess I'd have to put my stuff in storage.

DM - Just lock it up in the basement.  It's not like you have to take everything out.

Me - ...

So I had a revelation.  It turns out that I'm scared.  Acting scares me. The possibility that I might actually be a good actor scares me even more because it means that I have to throw myself out of my comfort zone and actually do some hard fucking work.  The thing is, instead of dealing with my own fear, I've projected it onto my mom and turned her into my excuse for not getting any work done.

Well, without knowing it, she's put a kibosh on that.  The apron strings have been cut and I now have exactly what I've always wanted.

Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it...

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Ed. Note - Since I feel like I'm starting a new chapter in my life, it felt appropriate that I have a new blog to go with it. I am a professional actor

Towards the end of my shoot on a wonderful little horror movie, the director forbid me from denying that fact. Mostly because he was sick of me haranguing him for saying he was not a professional director. Don't you hate it when your good advice gets thrown back in your face?

Well, he was right.

I've had a crazy month of August. The first two weeks were taken up by said horror movie and I audited a very inspirational acting course.

The movie reminded me how much fun acting was, how much I loved being on set, and how great it is to be part of a team working passionately towards something that's bigger than yourself. Even the incredibly early morning wake-up calls (did you know there's a 4:30 in the morning now?) only reminded me that I was getting up to go do something I absolutely adore doing (and if that happened to include cutting people in half with a chain saw or sending someone off a cliff, who was I to argue?).

The course made me realize that I was being a lazy actor. If I'm honest with myself, I know that I expected lots of great parts with very little effort or preparation. I'd go into an audition and just expect talent to carry me through. I would complain about how hard I was working to get things done, but I was really wasn't working at all.

So, for an upcoming audition, I prepared like mad. I wasn't going to let old habits stand in the way of what I wanted. I was going to get this part. I read the script a few times and immediately picked a scene that struck a cord with me. I brushed off my monologue and put it on its feet. And then I did something that I never allowed myself to do in the past. I got help. Thanks to two really great friends, I got to play with both scene and monologue. They helped me discover things about the characters and make good choices. They were lifesavers.

I arrived at the audition feeling rather grounded. I was feeling happy just to be there. Adequate preparation had already taken away about 50% of my nerves to the point that when I realized there were five extra people in the room than what I had envisioned, I didn't freak out. I was actually glad for the opportunity to play in front of more people. And play I did. I didn't take my self too seriously and had fun. Yes, Nancy, acting is fun!

And then I got a callback.

Wow!

Then I took a page out of my amazing friend's handbook. I went to my resume and added the credit to the list. I was letting the universe know that I believed it could happen.

Guess what? I got the part.

I laughed uncontrollably for about two minutes when I received the news.

Nancy Kenny will be appearing in Rabbit Hole this October at the new Gladstone Theatre (Get your tickets now!)

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On Monday morning, I went and took the crazy to a whole other level. I walked into work and I gave them my notice. After about four years of floundering about in full-time jobs, I realized that if I wanted to truly be a professional actor, I had to either shit or get off the pot. Well, gosh darnit, it's time to shit!

To tell you the truth, no decision has ever felt so right before.  It was time.

I'll be at my current job until September 12, and then rehearsals start for Rabbit Hole. My contract is for six weeks until October 25th.

After that point, who knows, but I believe (and it's about damn time I did) that I can be an actor and still manage to take care of myself.

Besides, if ever I'm royally fucked, I'll just move in to my film director's basement and take his DVD collection hostage. Because I am a professional actor and he created a monster.